TBT – 1992

1992 – At a time when I struggled to focus my passion and energies … funny how some things don’t change.  Life is a constant struggle, but no longer alone.

People spend their entire lives trying to be someone they’re not.  Like the pages of a calendar, the pictures in a phone album neatly arrange just what they ought to be…yet somehow falling short of reality.

If one is never truly satisfied, if genuine happiness is not an attainable goal, why then try so hard to make it so?  Why look for so long for something that remains just out of reach…familiar enough to believe in and strive towards, yet stifling and frustrating as time goes by and remains elusive.

A larger degree of happiness is found alone when we unmask ourselves.  And yet, once revealed, we find ourselves longing for the innocence lost along the way.  Romantic notion….perhaps ignorance is more apropos.

A child believes in all that is good until the wisdom of adulthood steps in and adds disbelief for good measure.

You ought to grow up, get married, and live happily ever after.

Then, in the state of marital bliss, the disillusion is beyond belief.  Give credit to human nature – to those who care enough.  Facing the greatest foe…they turn not away, but stand tall and continue to try.

For life is not living if you cannot go on believing…but this too is only a temporary state.  You can only go on so long with such a charade.  And since none ultimately controls destiny, even a bad play at life must have a closing night.

Once again, left with the self and not believing it worthy of anything singularly.

Transition to isolation comes slowly.  You have to hit the lowest point of despair to achieve the height and depth you can create on the way back up.  To realize self worth…true self worth.  Once accomplished, tempered with the knowledge that we can never be knowledgeable enough, that claiming wisdom is the admission of ignorance and true ignorance is merely an oversight of reality.

No more belief in people….no need to have anymore.  So grateful we found ourselves the first time around.  A preparation of the journey to walk this life alone.  So glad the time was taken to grow and love oneself.  It gives courage to care for oneself and resist the urge to settle for something; enabling us to hold out for everything.

So many grow tired of searching for ideality, taking less than needed but somehow enough to feel complete.  Yet it leaves them slightly agitated for the rest of their lives.

So this one would rather live for oneself than to act a part with lines unrehearsed.

Caring so much about everything…no definition, just the knowledge that the life that is lived holds up under scrutiny and is not lacking in intensity.